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A pseudo-quest: waiting with attention

Yves Emery

December 2013

 Before daring looking in the direction of God, we must already be able to face ourselvesin the mirror

Most of the quests that are presented in this site describe how their authors managed to be able to face themselves again in the mirror. As far as I am concerned, the eco- organic approach got me out of the rut at a time when this approach was still far from being widely accepted. By growing and  mainly by consuming in a different way, i.e. with moderation and responsibility, I felt I was re- owning, becoming again or even simply becoming  myself, after I had been robotized in order to increase the benefits and power of the ruling elite, what they call “growth”. This was in the early 90’s and I was in my 40’s.


At that time, I was hardly aware that I was engaged in a quest. I simply wanted to align my feelings, my beliefs and my deeds, on a private and on a professional level.  I thought that, thanks to this harmonization, I was heading to a bright future. “Bright future” was actually wishful thinking since my professional situation, and hence my financial one, were not bright at all. Actually, I was rather in a state of confusion, disorientation and perplexity: I was jobless, my future was more than uncertain and I had moved to another region.

During this period, in February 1994, a strange event occurred and made me even more perplex: as I was visiting a certain place for the first time, I nevertheless felt  familiar with it; six months later, very surprisingly, I came to live in this place and was going to enjoy it a lot. This was a break in  my mind, which I could not talk about without risking to be regarded as a fool. This break opened in myself questions without any answer, particularly since I did want to avoid any easy dogmatism. I would say that I was searching for new elements, however without knowing at all what they would be: it was an undetermined inside quest.

Then, in early 1995, I came to write a novel ; the story was taking place in a tribe which lived in a perfectly circular territory – that’s how I was seeing them. All families were living in plots of the same size, separated from each other by two lanes starting from the village center, with a small farm at their outside end. The village center was the place for social activities,  each building being devoted  to a particular one. To my great surprise, and without being aware of it, it looked like a stylized spider in the center of its web and was forming a mandala.

My pseudo-quest was progressing !  It was indeed a pseudo-quest: I was not asking for anything, everything was coming to me. However, I had to stay open and humble. Yes, humble, because I had to note that my imagination was guided and that I was not leading it, or almost not. I had to release my “sovereignty”. Paraphrasing Jung, I can say “From being the one who guided, I was becoming the one who is guided”.

For the spider and the mandala bear highly symbolic meanings. “Is the spider crafting the fabric of the world, or the veil of illusions hiding the Supreme Reality ? (…)Demiurge, mantic, guide of souls, hence bridging the two worlds of human and divine reality, the spider is also a symbol of a high degree of initiation”[1].

In C.G. Jung’s work, “the mandala is the symbol of the center, the goal, the Self as a psychic whole;  it is a representation by a person of their process  of self-centering (…) it most often appears in situations of confusion, disorientation and perplexity (…) it shows a circle which demarcates and protects the elements of a totality which is at risk of getting lost in undetermined vagueness”[2].

A high degree of initation, at the heart of a process of self-centering, in a protective circle that I had drawn. After all, the message was clear. God is in me and guides me. Warning : when I use the word « God Â», I am not talking about this old gentleman with a white beard sitting somewhere on his throne in the clouds ! “God” is an easy word for the unspeakable, the inexpressible but whose presence seems undeniable

When I am saying : «  I become the one who is guided Â», I am not saying I am dependent ; actually, most of the time, I become aware of it after a surprising  event has occurred. For instance, in 1998, I came to write a novel telling the story of a new friendship between a former priest who had lived an encounter of the 4th type  (i.e. with ETs) and a writer who had gone through a Near Death Experience after a car crash.  The description of the NDE was inspired by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s book, a famous American psychiatrist, which I had got one year before. I had been  intrigued by this phenomenon for some years and I could see the opportunity of getting more familiar with it  through imagination and the characters of the novel. Once the book had been written, I was eager to meet with people who had actually experienced NDE.  In the course of my research, I had got the information that an association of such people existed but I could not find its address (at that time, I was not yet connected to the web). I then told to myself: “if meeting those people is part of my destiny, the address will come to me without having to search for it”. Three weeks later, in a magazine to which I had just subscribed and which had no or very few connections with this topic, the address jumped under my eyes and, as the cherry on the cake, the association’s Secretary General happened to live 90 kms from my home. I sent him my novel, which he read overnight. We met a few days later. I stayed only one year with this group, which also gathered  other people interested in NDEs,  but the amount of knowledge I acquired there was a real springboard for my development.

I have to say that none of these novels got published. In the first years, my ego was unhappy with that; however, I ended up understanding that this was not their purpose ; they were a form of conversation between the unspeakable and myself. Since then, I wrote six more, which were not published either and which did not cause the same self-renewal. The source dried up three years ago, as if long conversations were no longer needed. He just gives me a wink every now and then, through a noticeable coincidence or, as Jung named it, a synchronicity. And, each time, it is a real enjoyment.

Since then, I have made my own these words from Gitta Mallasz[3]:

"I am acting through HIM

I do not take myself seriously

And everything changes.

No more expectation – and the unexpected comes to me.

The uncoherent – reveals to me its hidden laws (…).

If I no longer take myself seriously,

Life becomes a divine game.

At last, God can play with me, play through me.

Those who know how to play forget themselves in the game".

No more expectation, so no more quest, and even, no more pseudo-quest.

[1] Dictionnaire des Symboles, by Jean Chevalier and Alain Gheerbrant, Robert Laffont, 1982

[2] Ma vie, rêves, souvenirs et pensées, by C.G. Jung, Gallimard, 1973, page 464.

[3] Petits dialogues d'hier et d'aujourd'hui, by Gitta Mallasz, Editions Aubier, 1991, page 81

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